I’ve Become My Own Enemy

This is going to be similar to a confess. I don’t know if I’m ready for this or not, or if I’m doing this right or not. But I feel like I’m becoming my own enemy from day by day.

True in recent posts, I may even have said you all to be strong and tackle whatever that comes in your way. I may have told everyone else to keep your head up and act like you are the most strongest person. I say that because I don’t want anyone else to feel what I’m feeling. I don’t want anyone else to hurt themself or feel the pain. So I keep encouraging people to stand up for themselves. But what am I doing? I’m not even following my own words. Does that make me a bad person?

For years I’ve been through a lot and I never thought there would be a time where I’m going to become my own enemy. Even though everything happened in my life eventually directed me towards it, I never knew it’s going to be this worse. I have moments where I feel down, empty, numb, loss of thoughts even depressed and that’s my confession. That’s the dark side of my life, like everyone else I’ve got my own demons. And I don’t think it’s a bad thing. It’s called being human. Even though I’m at peace with my own demons doesn’t mean it’s going to stay the same each and everyday. There are times where it controls me and those are the days where I don’t even recognise myself.

I feel like i’m in this cold, dark pit where no one can see me or I can see them. There’s no way anyone could come and rescue me because I don’t even know the real depth of it. Sometimes it feels like even though you woke up in the morning, you are not fully awaked. You want to go back to sleep, sometimes you never want to wake up. True there are times i’m happy and feeling good, and want to be positive and productive but then out of nowhere you get hit by brick of sadness and loneliness. That’s when things go bad. It doesn’t matter if I’m with my friends, family or even if I’m doing my favourite thing, it’s just going to hit me so bad that sometimes I won’t be able to even get up.

True people may say, go and talk to your best friend, your mom or your dad or your brother/ sister. But it’s not easy. I don’t want anyone else to know my deepest secrets no matter how much others push me to talk about it. I’m not comfortable of telling others what I’m going through. Even writing this article was so hard for me, but rather than keeping everything to myself I thought of opening myself to world, because writing is one of the best ways to help myself. I know how it feels to be depressed, lonely, sad. I know how to find my way in darkness. It’s nothing new.

I just want to say that, I know I’m not perfect and neither are you. And it’s okay to not to be perfect, feel depressed, be lonely. It doesn’t matter if you want to sleep more or even if you want to stay awake the whole night. It’s about doing something you want without the interference of anyone. It’s about taking care of yourself in the darkest hours of your life. It’s about being there for you, some people may call it selfish but then who’s going to care about what others have to say. Your first priority is you. I’m a survivor and it’s the most proudest thing I’ve ever done. It’s nothing to be ashamed of. Keep Surviving.

Stand up to stigma, Let’s talk about mental health